Emotions

Once I was told that there were 2 main groups of emotions - positive and negative. I was taught that we ought to regulate our emotions, to keep them in check, to reign in the negative and let the positive shine. For a long time, this worked pretty well. I had friends. There were people who liked me and even looked up to me. Once in a while I still got angry, but these momentary outbursts were excusable. I forgave myself for full self-control wasn't humanly possible. My emotions ranged from a little happy to a little angry. A little sad or emo as they used to call it back in the day.

Then, a new concept was modeled for me - there is no such thing as a good or a bad emotion and, they all serve a purpose. I was encouraged to express myself more, and to let loose a little. My emotional range widened. I learned to be a lot more happy, a lot more appreciative. Somehow, I wasn't a lot more angry nor a lot more sad. I have become a lot more sensitive to the misfortunes of others, but I still have lots to learn in being able to express it. I was motivated.

Now however, I have begun to see a pattern. A harbinger of sorts often consists of a sudden outburst of illogical sadness, anger or both. Increasingly I'm learning that the best way to deal with this herald, is through quiet calm and unquestioning submission. On occasion however, due to a lack of preparation, anticipation or just sheer fatigue, I end up reacting rather than responding. The resultant clash is often ugly and before I know it, things have spiraled out of control.

Emotions. I was never an expert at them, am not an expert, and will never be an expert.

Hope

Expectations and Disappointment. Intertwined intricately because they were created to be or because of human sin, irrelevant. Hurtful. The opposite is true. Apathy and Nonchalance, a recipe for happiness. Or perhaps a recipe for a life not wroth living. Without hope, without longing, direction-less. Empty. It's a no-win situation. There's no way out. Trapped. Cornered. Which shall I choose? Disappointment? Or Emptiness.

Jesus says he (only) provides hope. A hope that does not disappoint. Am I not allowed to have hope then? (otherwise) To long for human embrace, to anticipate exhilaration from earthly fun? It is simple. I am. We are. As much as disappointment is allowed to cause ruin. Such is the life we live, as long as sin is allowed to reign.

The opposite is true. A life without sin is a life without ruin, without disappointment. A way out.

Here I am hoping again.
That I might dare to, this I pray.

So I began this year wondering what resolutions to make, wondering if making resolutions would be worth the while. While I'm sitting here wondering, my dad's shouting at Tiger Woods on tv for not removing a patch of grass infront of the hole.. I guess I'm not the only one he shouts at randomly.. now I know what one of my resolutions would have to be. Patience.

Sadly, the only way to learn patience is to have it tested. Again, and again, and again...

Jehovah Jireh

I haven't blogged in such a long time. Yet it's not because there's nothing to say, but rather, a lack of words to adequately express myself. So much has been happening these last couple of days. From getting accepted by ISV to go to costa rica for conservation work, to running around like puppy on a sugar-high liasing with workshop speakers for easter camp, to falling behind in school work to sprinting like there's not tomorrow to catch up with CBLs.. to matters of deeper intimacy that should not be published in public literature. . Yet in all this God has been The Jehovah Jireh - Provider. He does little things like making the bus come in time to get me where I was needed on time, yet late enough that I had time to dash into the shop to grab breakfast, a dinner cooked by a friend when I thought I was going to go without dinner for the night, providing replacement camp leaders the moment another pulled out, to even bigger things entirely out of my control like manipulating the school time table such that I had time for my friends.. and.. of course, teaching us all, forgiveness. But why is it that sometimes I still feel the need to prove my worth.. To justify my existence. That simply keeping quiet and doing my own thing will never get me anywhere in this world, academically and socially? God you've given me so much. Yet the one thing I desire, I have not. Teach me dear Lord, to trust. Or show me, that something greater that you've promised. Make this my prayer Lord -

Say the word

And I will live for you

Over oceans deep, I will follow

If each star was a song

And every breath of wind praise

It would still fail by far to say, all my heart contains

I simply live, I simply live for you.

So they say studying for a university degree is easier than for an A level certificate.

There must be something wrong with me then, cos I've never been so stressed before in my life. The very fact that i'm admitting to be stressed says alot. The very fact that I'm making a concious decision to blog as a means of relaxing while waiting for David to come over to discuss bible study says alot. I wonder what Russell Peters meant when he said there are moments in a guy's life when there's just nothing on his mind. If I'm stressed during the day, the nights are just worse. Ridiculous dreams that totally make sense are a reminder to myself of how stressed my mind is. Ridiculous because I'm supposed to be sleeping and recharging but I'm clearly not, totally making sense because the truth is, that although I'm sleeping, my mind is still racing. I dream that my friend was trying to explain anatomy to me and no matter how he tried, I couldn't get it. Finally I grabbed the notes from him, read it once, and understood it fully. And another night I dream I was explaining neuroanatomy to someone else. Amazing that I could actually recall the facts correctly in my dream.

I hate it when people ask me why I'm stressed almost in a accusatory sort of way, and this is probably the reason for me not admitting to be stressed most of the time. It's almost as if being stressed is a crime and wanting to do well is against the social norm, an abnormality. Because when people say that to me, all I see is someone afraid that I might do better than them, I see insecurity. I would really appreciate it if someone would genuinely ask if I was all right, without that disgusting accusatory tone.

Misunderstood

How important is it really, to be understood? Do the opinions of others really count that much? I guess it does, when 'others' aren't really 'others'. I can lie to myself that it doesn't matter, but like all lies, truth will surface and there will be no place for pretence; this veil that I wear will be uncovered. Yet I guess there is some comfort again, from the bible. Afterall, wasn't Jesus one of the most misunderstood people of all times? Flogged, mocked, spat on by those he loved, those he came to give his life for. Teaching in parables such that those who took what he said at face value and didn't bother to inquire more, couldn't understand. Misunderstood by people because the time wasn't right for him to reveal his true identity and ministry. Radically teaching that we had to eat of (His) flesh and drink of His blood such that a great number of his disciples deserted him?

Yet there is no doubt that what he did, changed history for ever, if history could be spelled as His-story for anyone, it would be Jesus.

"All change happens because of unreasonable (radical) men" - Pr Timon Bengston

I shall not let being misunderstood and slandered stop me from doing what I know is right.

Humanity

This year seems to have started out as a test of how resillient I can be. It's only been a week at school and already I feel the mountains towering over me from all sides. School work's a mess, don't know where this case is headed.. Easter camp's coming up real soon and there's still so much uncertainty and hurdles to cross! It's difficult working with people really, not meaning to critisize anyone in particular. It's just the whole humanity of it. We're all entitled to something called pride, which we so often 'idolise'. And then for us Christians, we realise we've once again fallen into the lures of self-righteousness and self-centeredness, and we apologise, repent, wait for the cycle to repeat itself. It's an inherent fear that we battle daily, a self-preserving mechanism that manifests as hesitation. A hesitation that is unecessary for it is written: "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness - 2 Corinthians 12:9"

Spirit touch your church - Kim Bollinger

Lord we need your grace and mercy

We need to pray like never before

We need the power of the Holy Spirit

to open heaven's doors

Lord we humbly come before you

We don't derserve of you what we ask

But we yearn to see your glory

Restore this dying land

Spirit touch your church,

Stir the hearts of men

Revive us Lord, with your passion once again

I want to care for others, like Jesus cares for me

Let your rain fall upon me

Conflict is inevitable, but unity is possible - Pr Timon Bengston