Jehovah Jireh

I haven't blogged in such a long time. Yet it's not because there's nothing to say, but rather, a lack of words to adequately express myself. So much has been happening these last couple of days. From getting accepted by ISV to go to costa rica for conservation work, to running around like puppy on a sugar-high liasing with workshop speakers for easter camp, to falling behind in school work to sprinting like there's not tomorrow to catch up with CBLs.. to matters of deeper intimacy that should not be published in public literature. . Yet in all this God has been The Jehovah Jireh - Provider. He does little things like making the bus come in time to get me where I was needed on time, yet late enough that I had time to dash into the shop to grab breakfast, a dinner cooked by a friend when I thought I was going to go without dinner for the night, providing replacement camp leaders the moment another pulled out, to even bigger things entirely out of my control like manipulating the school time table such that I had time for my friends.. and.. of course, teaching us all, forgiveness. But why is it that sometimes I still feel the need to prove my worth.. To justify my existence. That simply keeping quiet and doing my own thing will never get me anywhere in this world, academically and socially? God you've given me so much. Yet the one thing I desire, I have not. Teach me dear Lord, to trust. Or show me, that something greater that you've promised. Make this my prayer Lord -

Say the word

And I will live for you

Over oceans deep, I will follow

If each star was a song

And every breath of wind praise

It would still fail by far to say, all my heart contains

I simply live, I simply live for you.

So they say studying for a university degree is easier than for an A level certificate.

There must be something wrong with me then, cos I've never been so stressed before in my life. The very fact that i'm admitting to be stressed says alot. The very fact that I'm making a concious decision to blog as a means of relaxing while waiting for David to come over to discuss bible study says alot. I wonder what Russell Peters meant when he said there are moments in a guy's life when there's just nothing on his mind. If I'm stressed during the day, the nights are just worse. Ridiculous dreams that totally make sense are a reminder to myself of how stressed my mind is. Ridiculous because I'm supposed to be sleeping and recharging but I'm clearly not, totally making sense because the truth is, that although I'm sleeping, my mind is still racing. I dream that my friend was trying to explain anatomy to me and no matter how he tried, I couldn't get it. Finally I grabbed the notes from him, read it once, and understood it fully. And another night I dream I was explaining neuroanatomy to someone else. Amazing that I could actually recall the facts correctly in my dream.

I hate it when people ask me why I'm stressed almost in a accusatory sort of way, and this is probably the reason for me not admitting to be stressed most of the time. It's almost as if being stressed is a crime and wanting to do well is against the social norm, an abnormality. Because when people say that to me, all I see is someone afraid that I might do better than them, I see insecurity. I would really appreciate it if someone would genuinely ask if I was all right, without that disgusting accusatory tone.

Misunderstood

How important is it really, to be understood? Do the opinions of others really count that much? I guess it does, when 'others' aren't really 'others'. I can lie to myself that it doesn't matter, but like all lies, truth will surface and there will be no place for pretence; this veil that I wear will be uncovered. Yet I guess there is some comfort again, from the bible. Afterall, wasn't Jesus one of the most misunderstood people of all times? Flogged, mocked, spat on by those he loved, those he came to give his life for. Teaching in parables such that those who took what he said at face value and didn't bother to inquire more, couldn't understand. Misunderstood by people because the time wasn't right for him to reveal his true identity and ministry. Radically teaching that we had to eat of (His) flesh and drink of His blood such that a great number of his disciples deserted him?

Yet there is no doubt that what he did, changed history for ever, if history could be spelled as His-story for anyone, it would be Jesus.

"All change happens because of unreasonable (radical) men" - Pr Timon Bengston

I shall not let being misunderstood and slandered stop me from doing what I know is right.

Humanity

This year seems to have started out as a test of how resillient I can be. It's only been a week at school and already I feel the mountains towering over me from all sides. School work's a mess, don't know where this case is headed.. Easter camp's coming up real soon and there's still so much uncertainty and hurdles to cross! It's difficult working with people really, not meaning to critisize anyone in particular. It's just the whole humanity of it. We're all entitled to something called pride, which we so often 'idolise'. And then for us Christians, we realise we've once again fallen into the lures of self-righteousness and self-centeredness, and we apologise, repent, wait for the cycle to repeat itself. It's an inherent fear that we battle daily, a self-preserving mechanism that manifests as hesitation. A hesitation that is unecessary for it is written: "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness - 2 Corinthians 12:9"

Spirit touch your church - Kim Bollinger

Lord we need your grace and mercy

We need to pray like never before

We need the power of the Holy Spirit

to open heaven's doors

Lord we humbly come before you

We don't derserve of you what we ask

But we yearn to see your glory

Restore this dying land

Spirit touch your church,

Stir the hearts of men

Revive us Lord, with your passion once again

I want to care for others, like Jesus cares for me

Let your rain fall upon me

Conflict is inevitable, but unity is possible - Pr Timon Bengston

Universal Studios

Universal Studios!!!! =) Managed to get Mum and Dad onto the Dragon coaster! Dad's classic screams were enough to scare the fear out of all other riders.. even mum was laughing at him, once we were safe on the ground. Twice on the Shrek's dragon coaster, 4 times on Revenge of the Mummy (till benny could memorise the script), Twice on Battlestar Galactica - human, and Thrice on Battlestar galactica - Cylon which is THE ultimate roller coaster, EVER!!!! =)

A wise panda once said: "Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a mystery, but today, is a gift! That's why it's called the present!"

I like to move it move it, you like to move it move, we like to move it move it, I like to... MOVE IT!!

Milestone

I've always wanted to try wakeboarding but I never knew how fun it actually is!!!!!!!!!!!!! Albeit I have not enough strength left to even grip my toothbrush properly, or open the car door, or squeeze soap out of the dispenser.. I'm so gonna do it again!!!!

"I was standing today in the dark toolshed. The sun was shining outside and through the crack at the top of the door there came a sunbeam. From where I stood that beam of light, with the specks of dust floating in it, was the most striking thing in the place. Everything else was almost pitch-black. I was seeing the beam, not seeing things by it. Then I moved, so that the beam fell on my eyes. Instantly the whole previous picture vanished. I saw no toolshed, and (above all) no beam. Instead I saw, framed in the irregular cranny at the top the door, green leaves moving on the branches of a tree outside and beyond that, ninety-odd million miles away, the sun. Looking along the beam, and looking at the beam are very different experiences." - C.S Lewis

John Piper in his book "Don't waste your life" refered to this real life account by C.S Lewis to say that "The sunbeams of blessing in our lives are bright in and of themselves. They also give light to the ground where we walk. But there is a higher purpose for these blessings. God means for us to do more than stand outside them and admire them for what they are. Even more, he means for us to walk into them and see the sun from which they come."

May we all remember this festive season, to count our blessings, but even more so, to acknowledge and thank God through whom all blessings flow.

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